Incognito
by onthewayside
Summary: Isabela enlists Merrill to do a little spy work for her.  Hawke is not impressed.  FemHawke/Varric. Rated for language and mention of sexytimes.


_A/N_: Written after numerous playthroughs with numerous romance options and the eventual realization that Varric is by far the most awesome character ever. Yet another light-hearted ficlet that I couldn't help but write. Enjoy!

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><p><strong>Incognito<strong>

Isabela considered herself to be an expert on three things: the flow of the sea's currents, the directions of the wind, and basic, lustful, rip-your-pants-off attraction. Her first two areas of knowledge had not come in handy as of late due to her current land-locked status, but the _third_...Ah, the third. Yes, she still had good use for her expertise in that department, which was why she was currently crouched in a dark alleyway in Hightown, waiting for Merrill to hurry on up and finish climbing the wall already so that her hunch could be proven true.

"Having trouble, Kitten?"

"Not really," Merrill replied in her usual cheery manner from somewhere above. In the darkness of the night, it was impossible to tell just how high up she was. "The stones are bit slippery and I may have lost my footing for a moment or two, but nothing I can't handle. I can see the ledge from here so it won't be much longer."

"Just remember what I said earlier," Isabela reminded the elf, "This is important but not so important that you fall to your death over it."

Merrill's laughter echoed throughout the narrow passage. "Don't worry about me! This is rather fun. Although it would be more fun if it hadn't rained today."

Isabela winced at that comment. "Just be _careful_, Kitten."

"I'm always careful—ah ha, found the ledge." There was a muffled _oof_, a tinkling of pebbles falling to the ground, then Merrill spoke again."There we go. Can you see me?"

The pirate queen stepped back from the wall she had been leaning against and squinted into the darkness. She had thought about borrowing a torch from the main thoroughfares of Hightown but had scratched that particular idea. The last thing she needed was a bright, glaring beacon guiding the city guard to their slightly illegal activities.

Save for the stars in the sky, there was little light except there was a dim glow spilling out of a window just above...

And just behind the edge of the window was a shadowy figure, still tucked away in the darkness, waving frantically at her.

Isabela waved back. "Wonderful job! Now if you can be a dear and take a peek inside and tell me what you see, I'll be eternally grateful!"

Merrill's face came into view as she shifted to get a better look through the window. There looked to be barely enough room on the ledge for all her limbs but somehow the elf was managing. Isabela just hoped her steady little elven feet would keep their hold. "Well, I can see a lot of books on shelves and a few large barrels over there. Oh, there's quite a fire burning in the hearth and I think I can see Bartleby's tail nearby so he must be enjoying it too. It's not really much of a tail though—more like half a tail."

Isabela was not looking for a description of the decor, nor was she looking for a philosophical discussion on Mabari tail sizes. This was a house she knew well, inside and out. No, she was here in the hopes of stumbling on a secret, a hidden treasure of gossip that would give her enough power to ensure her name was inked in on both of their bar tabs for _eternity_.

"-and there are those large golden gryphons too. There are rather pretty but they do take up a lot of space. It looks like she's got a few new paintings on the wall too but it's hard to see what they're paintings of from here."

"That's all very lovely but do you actually _see_ anybody besides the dog?" Isabela asked, doing her best to stem her frustration.

She saw Merrill's frown in the milky light, then the slight shake of her head. "No, no one seems to be there. It's a pity too, what with the fire burning so nicely." Merrill drew away from the window and back into the shadows. "So is this all you wanted to do?"

Isabela pursed her lips. Damn it all, Hawke was making this hard. "Sorry, Kitten, but I might need your skills for a little while longer. Why don't you come back down and I'll explain the next step in my plans."

"Don't be sorry, Isabela," Merrill said brightly. "I love climbing things."

As the lithe, shadowed figure began working her way back down the stone wall, Isabela propped her shoulder against the hard surface and set her mind working. She had been so sure they'd be in the library—after all, that was where she had found them the last few times she had been visiting. But back then she hadn't been aware of what she knew now, back then she had assumed they had been two good friends with nothing else connecting them but a deep admiration for each other and an appreciation of quirky humour.

No, she had been naive back then, more worried about Castillon and his men finding her than what was going on with Hawke. Now that Castillon was safely out of the picture though, she had more than enough time to think. Time to think, time to notice and time to _watch_.

And watch she had, ever since she had picked up on that first whiff of attraction that had weaved its way around the two. Up until this point, Isabela had seriously wondered if Hawke was either afraid of sex or simply uninterested. There had been men practically kneeling at her feet but Hawke had dismissed them all, usually crushing them under her heels as she stepped over them on the way out. So when Isabela had seen them talking—and they always talked whenever they were together—she hadn't thought much of it. Until Hawke laughed at something he said and suddenly there it was: that strange, undefinable electrical current in the air, the kind that usually had men suddenly thinking with their crotch and women suddenly adjusting their clothing so their cleavage stood out just that much more.

Isabela had felt such things many a time in her life but to feel it between two of her friends (and to feel it when it certainly wasn't directed at her, as much as she may have hoped it would be) was a little odd. So she had lingered behind them, watched them as they all went for a jaunt to Sundermount and back. Watched the way Hawke's face lit up when she laughed, watched the furtive, sideways glances he kept sending in Hawke's direction when he thought no one was looking. Watched the way their shoulders brushed together just so, lightly, discreetly as they walked and joked with each other.

Isabela had said something, of course. Something along the lines of joining in and making it a threesome they would never forget. To their credit, neither of them blushed or stammered or gave any indication that she had put them on the spot. Hawke had laughed at how much work it would be to keep two people in her bed when she had a hard enough time finding one person to invite and he had made some comment about trying to stay disease free, thanks all the same.

It hadn't stopped her though. If anything, it made the pirate more determined to prove that her expertise hadn't failed. So when she had sauntered down to the Hanged Man and discovered that Varric was absent, and when Corff had mentioned his absence had something to do with the Lady Hawke, Isabela had set her plan in motion.

A plan which, up until this point, had seemed smooth enough. She hadn't given up yet though. There were still other rooms—and other window ledges—and by Andraste's great, pointed tits, if she didn't have visual proof of Hawke and Varric going at it like rabbits, then she was going to have to do something even more drastic than this little espionage venture.

"Figuring out what to do next?"

Merrill's voice—suddenly so close and clear—made Isabela jump. "You're a quick little thing, aren't you?"

Merrill's teeth gleamed in the darkness as she smiled. "I've had plenty of practice climbing buildings in Kirkwall. Hawke's place certainly isn't as bad as the Chantry. The Chantry's losing bits and pieces of their walls and here's lots of moss growing on the ledges higher up. The birds don't like you up there either. They get rather possessive of their nests."

"Yes, well, we won't be climbing the Chantry tonight, Kitten," Isabela assured her. "We do need to get a good look into Hawke's Great Hall and, if we can, her bedroom too."

"That won't be a problem," Merrill replied with certainty, leaving Isabela to wonder just how often the elf had scaled Hawke's estate. "There's the courtyard just off to the side of the building with that lovely big tree. Plenty of the branches grow next to the windows of the hall and Hawke's bedroom." Merrill paused, as if thinking something over. "Isabela...this surprise that you have planned for Hawke? Are you sure you need to do it tonight? Couldn't you just drop by one day that she's not here and leave it for her?"

"No, because I need to see her face when she gets the surprise," Isabela explained carefully. The lie wasn't exactly her best work but it had been the easiest way to convince Merrill to do this. "And I want her to know the surprise is from me. And I certainly don't want any of her household staff to know about it either, which is why I asked you to do this in the first place rather than knocking on the door."

"True, I guess it makes sense if you don't want anyone else to know about it. I'm just sorry that I don't have surprise too."

"You're helping me so you can say that you're part of the surprise too," Isabela reassured the young elf. "Now let's be off and tackle those last few window ledges before all those murderous gangs come out for the night."

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><p>Merrill had been right about the tree and its helpful branches. They really did grow at convenient angles and Isabela had found a lovely crook near the top of the tree to wait in while Merrill continued over to the window ledges. Though all the windows glowed with the distinct aura of firelight, Merrill did not see Hawke in the Great Hall.<p>

"Bodahn and Sandal are there and it looks like Orana is playing on her lute over by the fire," Merrill pointed out from her viewpoint at the window, then looked back at Isabela. "But no Hawke. Do you think she's out for the night? Maybe we should check the Hanged Man. After all, it's too early for Hawke to be in bed."

Isabela stopped her friend with a firm shake of her head. She was tired of paying for drinks and she was _not _happy at being outfoxed by her less than foxy friends. There was only one room to check now and if that particular room was empty then she was seriously considering breaking a window to see if the kitchen, cellars or entrance of the manor were just as empty too.

"You should check her bedroom anyway. She might be in there reading a good book or something." _Or with her legs wrapped around the bare backside of a certain dwarf._

"Ooh, I never thought of that. You're so smart, Isabela!" Merrill exclaimed as she began clambering back through the branches to reach the farthest window ledge.

Isabela hunkered back down into the tree, making sure she still had a decent view of her companion. Maker, it was getting chilly. If she sat in this tree any longer, her ass would be frostbitten and that was certainly a problem she did not want Anders healing. Especially when he started with the questions.

Merrill reached the final ledge, crouched down next to the window and peered in. Her shoulders suddenly sagged and for a moment Isabela lost all hope. Then Merrill looked in her direction with a smile of relief. "Thank goodness! Hawke is there and so is Varric. Although I don't know if you want Varric to see the surprise too."

_Ah ha!_ Isabela couldn't stop the triumphant grin from reaching her lips. She could already envision the long line of drinks lined up for her at the Hanged Man as Varric and Hawke sat beside her and doled out the coin. "Quick, Merrill tell me what they're doing," she called out to her friend, trying her best to keep her voice low.

"Well, it looks like they're playing a game of some sort."

"What kind of game?"

"I can't really tell. Something with cards."

_A game of strip Wicked Grace perhaps?_ "How naked are they?"

Merrill's brow furrowed in confusion at the question as eyes drifted back to the window. "Um...I can see Varric's chest and Hawke's legs."

Bugger. So they hadn't gotten to the stripping yet. Oh well, there were still other options. "Are they touching each other? Straddling each other? Fondling each other?"

"No, not really. They're just sitting there, across from each other. Oh wait, Hawke is patting Varric on the hand. Now, he's looking at her and she's nodding her head and pointing and now he's looking out the window and oh—Hi Varric! Hi Hawke!"

_Shit._

"You can hear me? How can you—oh, you're right! The window is open!" Merrill giggled. "Silly me, I never noticed."

Isabela barely had a chance to duck her head below the leafy branches before Merrill disappeared through the window and Hawke's head popped out and swivelled in her direction. "Isabela, don't even think about trying to run. I heard _everything _and I know where you live."

"My, but you're in an accusing sort of mood tonight," Isabela replied airily, trying to come up with a decent escape plan and finding none. "Got your knickers in a twist over something?"

"Just get inside," Hawke demanded. "_Now_."

"And how do you suppose I should do that?"

"You got up that tree so you can certainly get down it and to my front door. I'll make sure Bodahn is waiting for you."

For a split second, Isabela considered scrambling down the tree and out the gate and back to her brand spanking new ship and heading for the high seas, but somehow she had a feeling Hawke would get manage to hunt her down before she even made it to the dock. With a resigned sigh and a few muttered curses about Dalish common sense, Isabela made her way back down to the ground. Bodahn met her at the doorway as did Bartleby, whom Isabela was fairly certain was there to track her down if she did run.

Bodahn led her through the main hall and up the steps to the Hawke's bedroom door. "They're waiting for you, I believe."

"Of course they are," Isabela sighed to herself and made sure to keep her chin high as she entered the room and came face to face with an irked Hawke, a bemused Varric and a beaming Merrill.

Oh well, if she was going to go down for this, she might as well go down in style. "Surprise!" Isabela exclaimed with a dramatic flourishing of her arms.

"See? I told you she had a surprise for you!" Merrill said excitedly.

Hawke arched a brow. "Yes, this is most _definitely_ a surprise."

"What surprises me more is why you didn't just pick the locks again, Rivaini," Varric pointed out. "This whole 'hiding in a tree' thing doesn't seem like your style."

"A rogue uses all of her options," Isabela sniffed.

Hawke chuckled at that. "What she really means is that I changed the locks and had them reinforced with magic to keep nosey little lock-pickers out of them. Something she discovered the hard way a few weeks ago."

"Putting in the electrical shock mechanism isn't playing fair, Hawke," Isabela retorted. "Especially when you're rather handy with picking locks yourself."

"I don't always play fair." Hawke shrugged. "But my abilities concerning breaking and entering aren't really an issue here. What I would _love_ to know is why you and Merrill were climbing trees and buildings in the middle of the night."

"Don't worry, Isabela," Merrill piped up, "I already told them you had a surprise for Hawke and you wanted to deliver it personally and that you didn't want anyone else in the household to know about it because that would ruin the surprise."

Dear, sweet Merrill. There were times Isabela just wanted to pick her up and squeeze her until her eyes bulged out. "Thank you for your support, Kitten, but I have to admit that I lied just a touch. I'm not really here to _surprise_ Hawke. I wanted to catch Hawke and Varric _by_ surprise, preferably while they were playing 'Hide the Sausage'."

"Oh." Merrill's smile fell. "I don't think I've ever heard of that game."

"I'm sure Rivaini here will be happy to explain it to you sometime," Varric kindly told the elf. "She plays it all the time and with a lot of different people. You might even consider her something of an expert."

Isabela smirked. "I'm also an expert at knowing when two people are so hot for each other that it's a miracle they haven't ripped their clothes off yet and had at it. And you two—"At this she pointed an accusing finger at Hawke and Varric "—are getting _me_ all hot and bothered every time I'm around you. Don't try to deny it."

Hawke's face was composed, but there was a gleam to her eye that belied her indifference. "I can't deny that we find each other hilarious or that we get along superbly well or that there are times that I am rather tempted to run my hands through his attractive, manly chest hair—"

"I _knew_ it," Varric crowed triumphantly.

"—but that doesn't mean I want to tie him up and have my dirty way with him," Hawke finished with an arch look at her pirate friend.

"Why ruin a great friendship with awkward pillow talk?" Varric added with a sly grin. "I'm sure Hawke looks great naked but that's all I'd be seeing afterwards whenever we met. Could make for a lot of unnecessary distractions and Bianca gets mad when I can't focus."

"So sorry to ruin your fun, Isabela," Hawke continued without a hint of apology in her voice. "Maybe you should escort poor Merrill home now and try to find something else to occupy your time. Espionage doesn't seem to be your thing."

Knowing a lost cause when she saw one, Isabela would have to concede the victory to them...for now. They could talk all they want but the sexual tension between them had not abated. If anything, it was getting more and more in-your-face obvious as each second ticked by. It just meant she would have to think things through a little harder and come up with a better plan for getting her proof and her victorious lifetime alcohol supply.

Heaving a martyred sigh, Isabela slung a companionable arm around Merrill's shoulders. "Come on, Kitten. Why don't you come with me to the Hanged Man tonight and I'll buy you a drink as consolation for all of your climbing troubles."

"Will you teach me how to play 'Hide the Sausage'?" Merrill asked innocently.

Isabela had to bite back a grin and noticed out of the corner of her eye that Varric was doing the same. Hawke had her face buried in her palm. "We'll see, Kitten. Now let's leave these lovely friends to whatever boring, unsexy business they had before we interrupted them. Sweet dreams, you two. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Merrill waved to them over her shoulder as she and Isabela headed out the door. "Have a good night!"

They waited until they were certain that their friends were well and truly out of the mansion, and hopefully on their way out of Hightown, before turning to each other.

"So tell me, Hawke, how _did_ you know Isabela would pull something?" Varric asked, looking impressed despite himself.

Hawke could only laugh. "She's been watching us like a hawk for the past week, ever since we went to Sundermount. I wasn't sure she'd actually do anything, not until I saw her grinning madly at us in the market this morning. I didn't expect her to involve Merrill but at least we were prepared." She moved closer to him, her eyes warming. "I do give her credit though, for seeing something that no one else in our lovely little circle of friends has noticed yet."

"It's taken them long enough. You'd have thought someone would have gotten the hint over the last three years," Varric agreed, a familiar sparkle lighting his eyes. "I guess this means we're free for the rest of the night."

Hawke reached down and took his hand, their fingers tangling together as she lead him to the edge of the bed. "Whatever will we do?"

"I can think of a few things that would be a better alternative to cards," Varric said, freeing his hand from hers once they reached the bed to untie the sash at her waist. "You did just admit that you've been dying to run your hands through my fantastic chest hair."

"A good place to start." She tilted her head, bringing her lips within inches of his as she slid his jacket and shirt off his shoulders and let her hands drift downward, fingers sliding gently over muscle and skin and scars. "I also liked the idea of tying you down and having my dirty way with you."

Chuckling softly, he worked the flimsy robe she wore off of her shoulders and down to the floor. "I wouldn't mind one round of 'Hide the Sausage' before I let you take advantage of me."

"I'll hold you to that," Hawke breathed, running her hands back up his chest and up his neck to tangle in his hair. She fell back onto the bed, pulling him down with her and humming in appreciation as skin met skin. It had been hard to sit through card game after card game, their hands brushing against each other far too often, when all she wanted to do was wrap herself up in him. Just another thing she could thank Isabela for.

Varric slid one appreciative, leering look along the length of her body. "You _do_ look good naked."

She smiled up at him. His roaming hands were already finding the right places and stroking just _so_ and she arched in to his touch, still amazed at how he could do this to her even after all these years.

And it _had_ been years—years of business meetings and casual visits with closed doors and excuses to stay late and excuses for not leaving early enough. Maybe it was time to let their little secret out, Hawke thought. It would at least give them some peace and they wouldn't have to worry about any more unannounced visitors in the night. She would ask Varric what he thought about it later. There were more...pressing issues they needed to attend to right now.

She brought his lips down to hers, their kiss slow and languid, their tongues exploring and caressing in a familiar, intimate dance that she never tired of. As his hands drifted lower and as she moved her lips from his mouth to that spot tucked just behind his ear that would have him moaning in her name in no time at all, she decided that tomorrow Isabela would finally get her wish and maybe even a pint at the Hanged Man.

But first things first—and before all rational and coherent thought flew from her mind under Varric's skillful hands and mouth—Hawke decided that she was going to find the first tailor she could find and commission a whole set of thick, heavy curtains. Just in case Isabela still needed visual proof of course.

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><p><em>end<em>


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